Wa na Gek ta po

I am wondering as to the whole of being there.
There is always something to do. in leaving out there is still much left undone. Wondering who is there to do it.
Taking care of the self. Having to go because life and daily beckons.
Leaving earlier then wanting or expected, driven by the prospect of weather, made for comfort in the return trip.
How can we talk about these things without shaming others? How can we processes these without feeling guilt and shame ourselves? How to let go of what causes emotional harm? How can we ask for help from others but still allow them to say no?

Notes from morning coffee:

Make forgiveness a practice

Forgive the self as well. I hold on to shame and think and mull and churn it. Let it go. Learn what to do next time. Remember it. Let it go.

Ask for those around to intervene when things escalate. Like in line and speaking to harshly to folks without even realizing it.

How to also share without hurting others?

How to allot time to work and still take care of the self.

Doing and doing but still having to leave things undone.

Memories

I received a phone call this morning that one of our friends passed away. Roanne was a shining light in all aspects of life. In great adversity she stood tall and strong and held up those around her.
I am bad at keeping up, staying in contact. Think of folks everyday with sights, sounds, and smells. Tony and Roanne fit there. Daily in my process they appear.
I had a dream one time. We were out camping, doing the things we do. I was up late tending to the fire, I would wake up and stoke the flames. I dozed off and the moon was full. There was a face of a woman with green eyes in the moon. The face transformed into a wolf and back again. It was a good dream. One of those I have not forgotten. Tied forever to that moment.
One time we were out and the rains came in. No where to go to get shelter and warm. Rain so cold it was almost sleet. There is Roanne. Standing. Her lips were blue from the cold. The sun came out later and it warmed up but I think she was still freezing three days later.
Roanne and Tony moved up to Skiatook for a while so she could take care of her father. She never wavered. They allowed me to come visit during some of my darkest days.
Tony is perhaps the strongest man I have ever known. He has stood beside Roanne through every thing. His heart as large as hers. His strength grounded in his love for her.
Peace to you Roanne on your journey my friend.

The Story of Inyan.mov

The Crisis of Faith

I remember long ago being at a place. Stuck in belief and what to do. It was like Indian Jones in the third movie. He is standing on the lions head and must make a leap of faith. I think it has to do now with a great mystery god to which appeal is made. There is no mystery. God on high provides what we need in many ways. Somehow though it left me still waiting and wanting. There is no mystery. There is. Communication with the divine is the key. Communication with, not to.
Still more on this to be fleshed out. difficult to explain without confusion within.

The divine in me bows to the divine in you.

On Tithing

I have been thinking about tithing. This is the practice of giving ten percent of earnings (before taxes mind you) to the church. My mother tithes. We grew up hearing about tithing. It supports the church and it's mission. I do not particularly go to church. Mother sings on Christmas Eve and I am convinced she does so because she loves it and is good at it but also it gets her family into church one day each year. So the concept of tithing seems to be to give. I am not so sure about the compulsory nature of the giving. It is a prescription by the one in control in order to gain. Remove the control aspect and it becomes a very good thing.
I have a job, I work hard (somedays), I am comfortable in my needs and the Maslow hierarchy is met in my life. I live within my means (most days). I looked at sites and blogs and books and paid down my debt (nearly). I researched online to find out how to do better and be better in my work a day life and implement techniques for improvement (occasionally). That being said I have put myself in a position where I feel I can finally be of some help to others.
My friend Steve goes to his church on Thursday mornings and serves breakfast. Time, two or three hours out of each week to give time. William answers the crisis hotline. Casey keeps his home open for gatherings of like minded individuals on a weekly basis. I go to South Dakota and cook. Time. Given freely with out any request without payback. Now yes, there is benefit. The things gained by giving of time come back to us. Some days much greater then ever given. And yes some days grudgingly the time is given, and that is okay. So time given to the other. In some way it is that time when I get out of myself. Time given to pursue the self is necessary. It is necessary to give that time away too.
Money. one of the three bigs ones that tear apart life. Necessary, yes. Evil, not necessarily. Again it seems to be the how of it all. Tithing 10%. If one takes home $2000 a month that would be $200 to give away. Difficult if the monthly bills alone leave only $20 in the bank account each month. So in order to be able to tithe it is necessary to become free of debt and free from the yolks. Perhaps that is why so many churches sponser Dave Ramsey courses. If the people who go to church are riddled with debt and living beyond the means then they are not able to tithe to the church. The giving of money not had is impossible. Easy to spend money we do not have, much harder to simply give it away. So it is necessary for the church to make sure it's people can tithe. That being said how do you tithe? I assume my mother still gives the church money each month. Some folks will buy Christmas gifts for a family. AE sends a ham at Thanksgiving and Christmas to hungry folks. I am choosing someone I know who has a need. I know there is a need that can never really be met. Too many things in life needed, too many mouths to feed, to many things to be fixed, to much of life and living on physical things, to much strain on the rest. The asking for help is necessary and painful. Difficult to do and to be in that situation. So very hard to escape from the traps. So I have chosen this person, this family or maybe somehow they choose me. Each month I am going to send them a check. It is not a lot but it is consistant. Every month for the next year I am going to help in a small way. It is something I can do. Something I choose to do and something I also hope they can accept. So I make the commitment to help if only in this very small way. There is the concept of doing something for someone else and do not tell anyone. Do something nice for someone and don't get caught. This tithing is different. Similar but different. Seperate really. Continue on with the not getting caught.
And so it goes.

Time

A entry on time. Being out of time with the rest of the world and a quest to come back into this space.
Time Entry at Archive.Org

New Site

This will be my site for future podcasts.

The Voice Across the Prairie